Stressful times requires "knowing yourself"

The current worldwide pandemic challenges our relationships on many levels, both at home and at work. The following quote by Esther Perel never rang more true: “The quality of our relationships determine the quality of our lives”.

In the new reality there is no clear division between work and private or home life. The roles and the time frames between work and home life are intermingled and it causes tremendous amounts of stress. The same quality output is expected within very challenging circumstances without time to recuperate. Due to challenges with kids and home-schooling some employees end up working during the night. In the past some of the roles were filled by nannies, teachers, grandparents and other support structures. Families are now co-habiting 24/7 in the same space with no escape from the intensity of the relationships. What makes the current situation worse is nobody can foresee an end to the chaos, which causes extreme vulnerabilities, anxiety, fear and sadness. As one of my clients commented: “My work was always the one place where I felt needed and important, now I have lost that”.

People are also stripped from their “go to” escapes to cope with the stress such as alcohol, cigarettes, visiting with friends and family, weekend sports, gym, dining out, religious gatherings, shopping at the mall etc. We are in dire need of healthy mature connections more than ever, but unfortunately extreme stressful situations brings out the worst in us. You can pick and choose from a variety online support forums and free webinars, but I noticed most of my clients are suffering from virtual fatigue. The relational problems we had prior to Covid19 are now amplified and exposed due to the unnatural circumstances. People are emotionally charged with anxiety, fear and sadness which leads to more conflict.

Conflict and having difficult conversations is a normal part of any healthy relationship. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything all the time. The key is not to avoid conflict and having the difficult conversations, but to learn how to resolve it in a healthy way. Do you find that when an issue arises with a colleague, family member, friend, or your partner you often bite your tongue? Now there are times when it’s necessary to skirt an issue, but if when faced with a possible conflict you usually remain silent in order to avoid it, this may be a problem. Avoiding conflict results in suppressed emotions which ends in one of the following toxic situations:

· Feeling resentful and avoiding each other, which leaks out in being defensive, disrespectful and distrusting each other;

· Walking on egg shells and pretend everything is OK but never resolve the underlying issues which results in emotional disconnect and in some cases avoiding physical connection;

· Build-up of negative feelings until a huge explosion, which is damaging and destructive to any relationship

When conflict is mismanaged, it causes great harm to a relationship, but when handled in a respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity to strengthen bonds between individuals. Due to our early childhood and the behaviour modelled to us in how to deal with stressful situations, our habitual response is to either fight, flight or freeze/fawn. Most individuals did not grow up with healthy role models on how to deal with conflict or situations requiring discussing sensitive topics. We end up either avoiding conflict by accepting, agreeing and adapting or mismanaging it with aggressive disrespectful and intimidating behaviour. No amount of money or perks can compensate for a toxic relationship at work, and open honest conversations are at the heart of relationships.

Our different relationships whether at work or private, give us the opportunity to discover parts of ourselves that we don’t know existed. Who we are is a combination of how we see ourselves and how others see us. We tell ourselves a story about who we are and when that story is challenged in stressful or conflict situations it can create chaos within ourselves and our relationships. We harm our relationships when we are stuck in our views, opinions and outlook. When we close ourselves to other people’s views and opinions, we become defensive and stop listening to understand. Healthy relationships requires us to be open minded and to listen to understand and not to answer. We often feel misunderstood, and we communicate from a space of defending our views instead of curiosity to understand what the real issue is.

Knowing yourself is the most valuable key in getting through these difficult times of increased stress and conflict. We often seek the solutions for the relational challenges outside of ourselves, thinking the problem is with the other person or with the circumstances. The reality is the solution is always within ourselves and it asks from us a conscious awakening to our habitual patterns and core motivations. Awareness of your triggers, and how you show up when triggered is crucial and the process to know yourself requires honest self-reflection. The process takes courage, honesty, vulnerability, authenticity, curiosity and practicing self-kindness. You can kick of the process by asking yourself the following questions:

· Who am I?

· What do I represent?

· How did I come to think this way?

· What shaped my views about myself, relationships, religious views, politics, gender equality, race, conflict etc.?

· Did you form the views by yourself?

· What influence did your parents, family, culture, and social environment have on those views?

· How do my views impact my current relationships?

· Where am I stuck?

· What keeps me stuck?

· What strengths/skills do I have that can support me now?

Now is the ideal time to notice your reactions to difficulties and perhaps to remind yourself of times where you survived despite hardships. Tap into your strengths and skills that served you well during those challenges. It is important to remember that nothing is permanent and although we do not have an end date, we can be certain that “this too shall pass”.

It is crucial not to make big life changing decisions based on highly emotional responses. Take time out for self-reflection, explore past experiences and notice what the current reality is before taking any drastic action. Find new ways to practice self-nurturing and self-care so that you have the energy to give your relationships the focus and care they also deserve.