Get "Unstuck" and Thrive

As we travel through our lives, we have few ways of knowing which course to take, or what lies ahead. We don’t have lighthouses to keep us away from rocky relationships and the current pandemic showed us that we sometimes must deal with unforeseen circumstances beyond our control.

Our emotional health has a major impact on how we navigate through life and embrace change. We live in a culture that does not teach emotional wellness and our emotional state creates our behaviours. We tend to believe we are our emotions because we say: “I am sad” or “I am angry” therefore we become the emotion and it drives our behaviour.

I am an executive coach who has studied emotions and how we interact with them for more than a decade. When I ask my clients how they deal with uncomfortable emotions most of them acknowledge their struggles being it overreaction, repression, denial, or avoidance since childhood. Very few people had the luxury of parents teaching them to befriend and regulate their emotions.

These powerful emotional sensations can take over completely, clouding our judgement and steering us right on to the rocks. In these cases, you might “lose it” and act out in very destructive ways. Most adults rarely surrender control to their emotions with inappropriate public displays but since the pandemic we now often more than ever witness on social media how people impulsively react when triggered. Many people, much of the time, operate on emotional autopilot, reacting to situations without true awareness. Others are acutely aware of their emotional state and expend a lot of energy to suppress or ignore the discomfort.

Emotional rigidity is when we are hooked by our story, the emotions or feelings associated with it, and the resultant habitual behaviour. We get stuck and a range of psychological ills are associated with these patterns e.g., depression, anxiety, feelings of failure, addictions, and various physical ailments.

I lived for decades within cycles of my own emotional reactivity and in certain situations I am still reactive – it is part of being human, but we can learn new ways. Emotional reactivity is a fight or flight state that causes us to be impulsive and defensive to our external world. When we are stuck in cycles of emotional reactivity, our bodies feels as if it is in danger and we enter survival mode. In my childhood emotional regulation has not been modelled, resulting in my emotional state running my life, and almost everything felt like a crisis. I had to learn that emotions are temporary, they shift, and as I developed self-awareness, I did not fight them but befriended them.

Signs you are stuck in Emotional Reactivity:

• Consistently talk over, interrupt, or deny what the other person is saying.

• Your beliefs and opinions are very rigid.

• You often feel shameful & judge your behaviours when upset.

• You struggle with control issues, feel anxious and worry consistently.

• Making impulsive decisions which you later regret.

• Obsessive thoughts which you repeat to anyone willing to listen.

How do I become unstuck?

By opening that space between how you feel and what you do about those feelings, emotional agility has been shown to help people with any number of troubles e.g., relational difficulties, anxiety, depression, procrastination, tough decisions, embracing change and many more. Emotional agility is about loosening up, calming down and living with more intention. It is about choosing how you’ll respond to your emotional warning system.

Emotionally agile people are dynamic and demonstrate flexibility in dealing with our fast-changing, complex world. They still experience uncomfortable feelings such as anger and sadness but face these with curiosity, self-compassion, and acceptance. They can endure high levels of stress and setbacks whilst remaining open, curious, and receptive. They understand life is not always a walk in the park, but continue to act consistently according to their values.

How to become more Emotionally agile:

The work is to become conscious and observe your habitual patterns of thinking, feeling and behaviour.

1. This means pausing, breathing, and becoming aware of the sensations in your body rather than reacting to them or repressing them.

2. Ask yourself what am I feeling? Observe without judgement since the emotions are messengers telling you something is not ok.

3. This internal check in will allow you to see if you need to either take a break from the person/situation or if you can continue to engage. If you are too emotionally activated, it could be destructive, and you will not have a clear perception of the situation. This is when you can state “I need to take time out to calm down and process how I want to deal with this”.

It will take continued practice and you will be able to respond to situations in new ways that will empower you and improve your confidence. You will become a better listener, communicator and improve your relationships.